Change happens, or is it only the contineous cycle?

Times seem to change for the better, or the worse. Either way it all ends up in one place or another. In my particular instance, I drive in a complete circle, ending up right where I began to starrt all over again.

My never ending battles I have been fighting seem to have been one, only the victory doesn't get me very far. Soon the war catches up once again and I find myself struggling to attain anything beyond the battle itself.

Flately put, I fell once again into the slums. Its been this way for a couple weeks now, and I find myself sinking further yet. The problem is, how do I deal with it? I get one foe out of the way and another pops up and I find myself back to square one again.

I did realize that there are certain triggers that bring about these internal battles. First, failure. I failed before and it cost me someone very dear to me, and every time I fall short, its almost as though I am reliving my past mistakes again. Every human makes mistakes, but the problem when you have depression is no matter who tells you what, or what angle you look at the problem, you can't change how you feel. Every action you do when you are in the downer phase has no effect on your emotional state or your mental train of thought.

Its strange when you can only think negatively and it makes you more upset and everyone around you responds with the same old "just think happy thoughts." or "hang around happy people" or "just stop feeling sorry for yourself". No matter the responce or advice given, nothing will ever change. You can try as hard as you want, but the way you feel will never change. Its like telling a slave to just think about being free and he will be. Things don't work that way. You can't ask a dieing man to think he is healthy and bam! hes a healthy person again. A smoker can't hang out with none smokers and have no cravings just because the people around him don't. I have tried so hard to beat this, and time and again I get beaten down. I'm losing strength to carry on through this day in and day out. Not a single action I do can get the weight off my mind or the sadness that continuesly tugs at my mind. I can honestly say I haven't been happy in years. What does happiness feel like? Is it excitement mixed with the feeling of not having a care in the world? The only time I have no cares in the world is when im drunk out of my mind. Then again sometimes drinking brings out the worst, as Alex I am sure knows.

And now I fall back to my original battle plan. Work myself to death and hope the worry and distress drains away because that is the only way I am going to feel anything else. I'm tired, so very tired of fighting this and I want to see the end of this battle. Unfortunately for me, I don't have the strength to fight it much longer without it affecting people around me. I need an escape and I think I just might need something I disregarded and abandoned a long time ago, someone who actually knows me, a true friend.

If anyone reads this know that the chances are I trust you obviously to read this, but I think you would agree that we arn't exactly what you would call close. I am not saying you are not a friend of mine, its just I haven't let anyone close enough to know me like Carissa did. She was the last true friend I had, and I don't know how I am going to make it through life without someone like her who understands me better then I do myself.

quite possibly hopeless

It's been a while since I jotted anything down online, so lets begin this whole process once again. I began working 2 third shifts a week for a few reasons, mainly being hours and I need a bigger pay check. However I can already feel it taking a toll on me mentally and physically. It is exhausting having to work the third shift and then switch over to first in the same week. Its even harder going from third to first and then BACK to third. Needless to say my schedual is a little messed up.

However I believe it to be worth it. With the added hours I can see my pay check increase and that is always a good pay off. Then comes the matter of having no social life whatsoever due to this schedual. I don't have time to go out and meet new people or strengthen the relationships I already have. When I am not at work I am trying to sleep to adjust in order to take on the next day.

Call me a little stupid, or alot, but because of this I am feeling very...solitary??? When only work and sleep exist in my life, I feel rather hollow and remote. I even opened an account on some online dating site in hopes of finding something entertaining in the process late at night. Thus far nothing very entertaining, besides who would ever go out with or get to know some guy they would never see because hes always either in bed or at work unless its 4 in the morning?

Living with my sister has helped out alot with my depression and anxiety however. I am very greatful I had this opportunity but now she is moving out to Washington state soon and I have no clue what I am going to do. I can't afford to move out on my own, and I don't know if mentally I can handle going back to the folks. I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place which...sucks to say the least? Well I must now get going, the folks are expecting me to meet them for lunch. Hey food is always good right?

I need a drink

Its been a long month. 2 people I know just killed themselves last week and now someone I started to get attached to is leaving and dan is leaving next week. I need something strong to drink...really strong

disconnected...and almost dispassionate...

today I found out someone took his own life. Today I realized I recognized the guy. Today I realized I talked to him once or maybe twice. Today I realized emotions are harder for me to feel then they should be. Today I feel horrible for not feeling horrible

boyz night out motha fucka

Last night was very interesting. Twas the guys night out at Joe's run down farm house. I found out that drinking large quantities of beer in a very little period of time can be...well lets just say I wasn't going anywhere.

After the first 5 beers in 20 minutes came the shots...that was entertaining. And then WAM! There was no more beer! the 30 pack was gone, and the kesslers was about to be gone. Off it was to get some more! O NO!!! We missed the gas station by 3 minutes!! AAHHH!!!! Lets go collect from friends and family!!! So me and mr alex drive around for a while...well him doing the driving...I was just here for company and pick up beer and wine coolers from random people he knows as well as half a bottle of kesslers. And we started all over.

I would guess around 2 or so I passed out. Somehow I ended up in the restroom...not sure how...not sure if i want to know how. Ah well I stumbled my way back to the couch...I have no clue what time it is now. All i know is I was out cold for a while and I had to get comfortable.

Then it was into work! It seemed to me that the booze hadn't all worn off...twas a bit disoriented yet and i never really got a headache which was strange. Needless to say my stomach wasn't agreeing with me on anything until now.

AMAZING I LOVE LIFE CEREAL!!! WOOT! Ok I feel like a little kid writing this post but...ah I really couldn't care less.

Finally its clear...

Finally I understand how she felt 5 years ago...and its so god damned hard not to do the same thing. Now its all clear...and I realize that the only way I could have helped was to be there holding her hand as she left. At least I find a little comfort in that, but right now comfort isn't something I am looking for.

The "a" solution

I escaped from my folks to find a better life with what I thought would be less stress then anything associating with the old man and his wife. Unfortunately it isn't quite as happy go lucky as I would have hoped. Granted day to day activities are much easier and the overall stress level has decreased a bit more, it sees more shit keeps happening as time progresses causing rather, frustrating effects.

In the last month I have been stood up three times, all of them different young ladies. Not to mention the times when the guys failed to pull thru on their promises. It is only a slight bit frustrating when you encounter a solution to your problems and plan to enjoy the evening and then, get stood up leaving you with just yourself wondering "where the fuck did I go wrong THIS time?" running through your head. Am I seriously that undesirable that the female population refuses to be seen in public with me? Ah well I supose it doesn't matter much anyway.

I mean when such evenings as this I can always return to the apartment and chill with the sister for a bit. Crack open a few cold ones and let it all slip away and just forget it ever happened. That is until she moves to washington anyway. Within 2 months she will be moving off, already has a job out there at target, just a transfer. That leaves both of my family members that I could go to and have a good time with in seperate parts of the country. Its only so very tempting to follow suite and head out myself.

At the moment it seems like I could leave this all behind. I am not attached to anything in this state anymore, everyone I was either moved away or is attending school elsewhere and will be moving away. Either that or, well they arn't around anymore. If only I could be granted a steady job else where, I would pounce on the opportunity in a heartbeat. Just the thought of starting over completely is so...appealing.

Until then I stick with the alcohol solution. Pop open a 6 pack and a carton of paul mauls and the evening goes by so much smoother. Granted it is only a distraction from the reality I am stuck in, but at least a dream is better then living a nightmare. If only I could sleep perhaps that would be my escape from reality, but sleep doesnt' come real easy these days, not that it ever really has.

This isn't one of those "O I want attention" kind of gigs. I honestly want escape from this life I'm living. I'm not talking all suicidal crazy freak type of shit, but rather the chance to leave this area and everything behind. Everyone I met at school the last year means almost nothing to me now. I have worked so hard at eliminating any emotional bonding with them that I could just walk away and feel hardly any regret if not none at all.

Well set backs are set backs no matter how you look at them. One day I will get outta here, after all there really is no reason for me to stay anywhere near green bay

tick...tock...tick...tock

The ticking of clocks can be enough to drive a person over the edge. Pushing them further and further until they are beyond the point of no return, left to drift off into the deep, black oblivion
of insanity. It come to the point where seconds seem like hours and hours seem like, well you get the idea.

This is the state of mind I have been stuck in for months. I feel as though I am going no where, or more that I am incapable of moving anywhere in life. Frozen at a standstill where all I try to do falls short and I am again left holding the short end of the stick. I am growing more weary as each day passes.

Looking in the mirror I can see the eyes are more sunken then they used to be. I feel weak and tired, almost like I am carrying the weight of the world. Its time to give in to the temptation to no longer care. To be so carefree and lite would be something I can only dream of now.

I continue to get stepped on as time progresses. Each ticking second is like another foot print driven upon my body, pushing it further and further to choas.

ah...my eyes are heavy...good night

Potentially fully involved? How about never invest in a helpless cause

This last night brought a revelation to my attention, some people are just plain silly. Take for example one romantically involved woman I have grown rather attached, or rather close, to these last 8 months give or take a bit. I spent many months trying to win over her heart only to be consistently told "I'm not worth it" "I tend to hurt people I get involved with" and most recently the whole "seeing 8 guys" situation. Very interesting predicament I got myself into this time around eh?

So I day or two in the last week or so once again trying to win over this hopeless cause as was so frequently pointed out. Maybe I wasn't ready to give up, but one thing for sure is I wasn't going to throw in all my chips before seeing what the other hands hold. It has almost turned into a game of cat and mouse. Her being the cat who likes to play with more then one mouse at a time, but never did this cat realize the mouse liked being toyed with and never layed all its cards on the table.

I learned too many times the hard way that you are never to put all your money or time into something that has a doubt of failure. Even more was I told never toss it all into a situation where everyone insist is doomed to fail. So how would it be suprising to find that I still hold the high card and half my fortune?

I guess what I am trying to say is, why would I try to catch a girl who is uncatchable? That is just plain stupid, granted it made a rather enjoyable game at the time, but why would I put all my effort into such an action? There is no reason.

Perhaps she was suprised when she realized that I haven't even been pursueing her as much as she thought. Or perhaps she wasn't. Eitherway what it comes down to is the simple fact that I dance to her song, but there is no way in hell I would show all my moves before then end of the show, and it seems her tune isn't going to last the whole concert.

Once she called me a gentleman, said I was "charming". Dear if only you knew if I were actually willing to put it all on the line. You thought I was relatively good then, but in reality I haven't even shown the true depth of my colors. It brings a slight smile to my face thinking about all the little things I did, and all the things I chose to not use in this game. There is no doubt that if I really wanted, I could hook any fish. Its only a matter of using all your lures until it bites and doesn't let go, but im only playing catch and release with this fishy.

I also just realized I am using way to many analogies...that is slightly annoying. However if halfheartedly I can work my way up to the third seat, imagine what I could of done if a little effort were applied. Perhaps there is more to me then meets the eye, and perhaps there is more to me then even you or myself would like to admit.

Then on the other hand someone calls me a knight in shining armor without knowing me? Now that in itself causes me to chuckle even if it wasn't meant in that sense of the term. I always thing of into the woods when I hear that term, still have no clue why.

The flow of time

I never bothered to realize just how much things change in such a short period of time. Just today, about 20 minutes ago for that matter, I browsed through some photos that I was tagged in. Still frames in the sands of time, each with its own story. Yet somehow all these stories are mine, and none of them seem to lead up to the way things are now.

Looking back I see myself surrounded by people. Crowds and friends with me acting as insane as ever. Now I see such images and wonder "What the hell happened?". You know how many of those people I saw each and every day I now keep in touch with? 1. Its so very strange to see a smile on my face as large as it was. Now when I see that I wonder "Was I really happy or just an illusion displayed for the crowds?"

I can honestly not remember things were this last school year past anymore. I remember bits and pieces but it seems like years ago. I look in the mirror and i look older, much older. I see the deep channels and lines forming beneath my eyes and the eye lids hanging over like a storm cloud. Even now when I smile I can see how unsatisfied I am underneath, almost as though I have lost all desire to prolong this conceptual life.

I feel as though half of my life has passed away over the last 4 months, leaving me battered and bruised. The monotinus continuem of everyday life suchs so much life and vigor out of me, that I feel as though the essence of who i was has been devoured. This leaves me hollow and devoid of any enthusiasm or desire of any kind.

Someone said that it was the onset of severe depression, something I have had experience with before. This however, this is different. In some way or somehow I cannot explain is different from what I experienced before. Maybe its old age setting in far before its time, or maybe my lifestyle is just killing away more of my life each day. What ever the cause I am not the same person I once was, and I don't believe there is any going back to that place anymore.

Everyone has their own little world, and I am trapped in mine and it sucks every bit out of me.

The strangest thing

Many people consider me to be very much on the immature side of the scale. Always laughing and popping jokes, silly facial expressions and all together insanity with a hint of annoyance. So why is it, that since the falling apart of my longest and most serious relationship, I cannot seem to snag the attention of anyone my own age? This is the mystery I so very much desire an answer too.

Thus far the only people who have shown any attraction to me, and all my obnoxiousness along with it, are fine young ladies 20+ years of age. Granted this is not much of an age difference, but I always thought that if I were in fact as immature as some state, that I would be attracting the attention of a younger crowd, namingly highschool students since that is the next lower age catagory that I tend to be associated with.

Truely my mind is bottled by this concept. Perhaps they were mistaken when they claimed me to be as immature as i seem, or rather the ladies whose attention I have gathered are just as immature as me, and I can assure you this is not the case. Is it just what i have to offer? Maybe my enthusiasm and energy are attractive to those of the drinking age. Whatever the reasoning is behind it, I am required to transfer my laundry from the washer to the dryer so...good day

Moving Along

How does one tell their parents that they drive them insane? Perhaps its the anxiety and depression that forbids me of expressing my mind openly to those two figure heads in my life, but its rather annoying. This week I am moving out, when I expressed this fact to the house hold, immediately the string of guilt began plucking away. I wonder if it ever dawned on the old folks that sheltering people only pisses them off when they actually see what is out there? Maybe its the whole religion spin on things yet again where they want me to feel like a horrible being and they can't do so if I wander off into the world...hmmm. Anyway I am awaiting news on job transfer, also I am debating if I want to work third permanently. If I offer to, I may even get full time status if what i hear is correct. Our current third shift cashier is getting sick and tired of the shit she has to put up with, so perhaps a change in order could be of use? Ah well perhaps that will come, I will discuss the matter w/Jessica once I figure out if I really want to be a permy third.

O and its going on about 63 hours of sleeplessness. Soon I may start hallucinating which will be alot of entertainment for those around me I am sure. On that note I am getting out of here before I go more insane due to the rents.

Random Thought

Did you ever wonder why some of the examples of text in blogger are written in Latin? Either that or there is a language that consist of the same exact word and verb formation upon the same root words cast within...strange

Short end of the stick

It seems that day in and day out opportunities to excell pop up. I jump at such opportunities, however someone far prettier jumps in front. It's come to the point where I just don't give a damn about trying to make it up the corporate ladder at my current job location. Each time I try someone else more "qualified" grabs the position at the last minute. Granted im not all that great, im not saying I am. Far from it in fact, but when the person who gets it is a fricken beauty queen who only cares about hitting on guys and can't even do the current job correctly it starts to get a little frustrating. Does being a minority REALLY give THAT much of an advantage? Perhaps...but I have no drive anymore to continue in pursuit of anything, there fore I have deigned myself a slacker, and a ponch nugget as well.

It seems that rather recently hell has come to life, either that or life has gone to hell...either way it isn't a very pleasant experience. If someone doesn't shoot my parents for being the way they are, then perhaps I should hire someone...or maybe not, that wouldn't be a good idea. You know its pretty pathetic when they try every reason/excuse in the book to keep you at their place and then try to make you feel guilty for moving out. "are we really that hard on you?" "Why would you want to leave, we give you everything you could possibly need?" etc.etc.etc. Not really, what I need, and I believe what every sane human being needs, is time away from those who spawned you. Regrettfully yes, someone had to spawn me for Christ's sake. Ah well I had good times and bad times and im sure plenty more where those came from. Right now work is the only thing that keeps me going.

Now you know your life has gotten close to rock bottem when the thing you look forward to most in the week is going to work...now does that make me sound pathetic or what? Then again what else is there to look forward to? Each minute I spend at home im naled with religious shit making me feel like some horrible person who is going to burn in hell because I don't believe exactly what I should. Sorry but I don't think God is some person who just damns people because they don't think in a collective group mind like a bunch of mindless drones just doing what is written on a couple of stone slabs. I just don't think hes that...EVIL. Pardon me if I'm wrong, but wasn't God supose to be all forgiving? Or was I just mistaken and he really is some despot who wants to see people suffer who don't follow the letter of the law to the exact degree of the slant of the writting within which the laws were written.

I mean if some material leader goverened his subjects with the same cruelty that many catholics seem to think God does, he would be shot by his own subjects for beying a tyrant, and I personally do not want to think of God as a tyrant. If you really want to then go ahead, but I always thought of a tyrant as a more...negative term. So needless to say when I see folks pointing fingers at others for being homosexual or what the hell have you, it almost makes me chuckle. First because they look like the biggest hypocrites ever, second because that is the most UNCHRISTIAN thing you can possibly do, third because you are not supose to judge a person and damn them according to your standards, and fourthly most of the homosexual people I know are at least 10 times kinder then any of those sorry bitches. I think maybe I would think better of them if they would clean up their own act before criticizing others? After all I thought you were supose to take the log out of your own eye before trying to take the splinter out of anothers...just a brain food there...

Now a random thought...What would you consider the best thing ever to improve yourself? Call me sadistic or what have ya, but I am going to go on with pain. Now now bear with me a second. When you burn yourself, what do you feel...pain? Ok obviously...pain teaches you to not commit the same action twice...its called LEARNING. You ever hear of that word? If not then you should prolly go back to preschool, maybe it will make you a better person too with all the fun colors and shapes. It might teach you how not to be a hypocrite! Secondly when you fail what do you feel? Well a sense of failure...unless your so unsensative that failure doesnt' even phase you anymore. That sense of failure can do one of two things...either you take it to your head and go kill yourself (might be a better option some people, rid the world, and myself, of your stupidity) thus creating nothing but a negative aura around yourself, or else you feel the pain of failure and choose to use that to push yourself harder and faster to overcome the obsticals in your path.

How many people actually like pain? Not many, there are different types of pain, and strangely I have come to enjoy or savor if you will certain types of pain. Physical pain for beginners reminds me that im mortal. It reminds me that I can't fly because I break a leg and thus hate my life...obviously. But also physical pain can make you stronger. I have had so much physical pain via stupid things I did and in the end i think it bettered me in one way or another. It taught me self dicipline self control and gave me a way to relieve stress in order to move on with life...didn't think cutting would do that for ya eh? Then we have the mental pain or the pain of seperation as I would rather put it. This occures when someone stabs you in the back, and in a sense this can be both the worst, and best kind of pain to deal with. Often times its too much to handle when the people you hold dearest turn their backs on you, which is why the physical pain can dull the mental allowing you to deal with it and move on. However after each of these events, it is my firm belief that it makes you stronger. What better way to improve yourself then to lose everything that you had and try to regain it all only to fail miserable and realize that you are pathetic, always will be pathetic, and shouldn't ever try to be anything but pathetic. but once in a while you will get that pain and it will kill off the little bits and pieces of you that are weak.

Once that cleansing process is over you find yourself a shiny hard new self that can withstand anything they throw at ya. Granted you lost half your personality and arn't afraid to speak your mind anymore, but there comes a point of time where you just gotta say what you gotta say and it helps to be a little emotionally dead to deal with it. Secondly after that process is done you feel much more at ease dealing back revenge on those who killed you to begin with. And eye for a eye they say, but it makes it much easier to deal out that eye to someone you once loved when you learn to look at them as nothing more then hunks of flesh walking around with a bad personality. They turn into things you can actually hate, something else to channel all that excess energy into, can clear your mind. I guess what im saying through out all this is if you can't deal with pain then just go shoot yourself and be done with it because you are only a weakling that is taxing society and deserve to die for being as pathetic as you are. If you willing to accept the pain that comes your way in hopes of bettering yourself then good im happy for you. But for all those pathetic drama queens out there who cry when you break a nail because you arn't perfect anymore and talk about killing your self just to get attention when your boy friend leaves you, get a life, grow up because if you stay like that you are only going to produce offspring just as lame and stupid as youreself. Get what im saying? I hope so

Now im not really saying go do yourself a favor and jump off a bridge, only rethink the way you do things. Don't complain when you have discomfort and pain in your life, because without it you would always be pathetic. Pain makes people stronger, its a simple fact. Pain makes people wiser, that too is a simple fact. Without pain everyone would be no better then animals with no ability to adjust to change. Once you learn to embrace emotional and physical pain, the better off you will be. Maybe then you will stop pissing off people like me with your pathetic complaints and annoying squeeky voices. If you can't deal with that then fuck you...stay the lame ass drama queen you are and try to get sympothy where you can, but honey you ain't getting any of mine.

A new day, A new life

Once I used to blog pages a day, those times are gone. Now, consumed by work and studies, blogging has all but left my life. Now as the late nights once again grip the harness of my heart, they drive me to produce my inner thoughts and feelings on a cold computer screen in hopes of finding refuge in my own memories and securities.

Tonight I am looking for this refuge. I feel alone and cold, even though I have found many in my life who are closer to me then anyone has ever been. People who are willing to stand there and hold me high if I stumble and fall. Yet, its not the same...nothing is. The years gone by cant be taken back, and all I can do is hold onto them.

It is said the truth will set you free, but what if you don't want to be free? What if even though you were a prisoner of your own desire, you wish to remain there? At least it was warm and comforting...not this cold. I'm only clinging to the warmth of that memory...and its diminishing as time continues.

Why do I have to be the way I am? All I want is to be free of myself, free of all this that holds me back...or do I? I don't understand my very thoughts, my desires, my passions...I don't understand what makes me think the way I do what makes me life the way I do, be who I am. I used to have such strong passion in my life...it has all but died out. All desire to live has long been extinguished...

I used to have a reason for living...now I am only lost and the dark. I continue searching for an answer to my problems, someone to bring me about and back to life how it should be. All desire to push on left when they did.

Is it that I cannot forgive myself? It was so many years ago and still...Am I angry for moving on? Is this why I cling to the past? Is it because I was safer? because I had someone there for me who I knew I could depend on? So many left, even more changed...I am like a loose dog...free to run, but desiring only a warm bed and a safe haven. and as much as they try, no one can give that to me. It's because of who I am that no one can help.

So many years ago...no one knows...no one knew. Why do the good suffer and the bad live on? One mistake can be so tragic and yet I go on to make more. I'm sure she would of forgiven me by now, but I can't forgive myself. She wouldn't want this...not anymore then I would want her to go through what I have. No one understands just how I feel...no one can help because of who I am.

That was so long ago. God I was still in high school...before then actually and then as a freshman it happened. Now I am long out of there and in college. The walls I created around myself held well until Leah tore them down. No one got closer then she has, and I feel I have to push her away...I feel I need to be alone I can't explain it and I can't figure it out. I only know that I feel immensely sad every day that passes, and she can't know.

She knows about her...and about what happened. She knows that I have troubles with it yet, but to make Leah happy I have to keep up the act. I can't let it falter, yet if I keep it up I feel like I am lying. Am I destined to be eternally single, even when I have someone in my life? Is this my penance for my sins? I never meant for her to give up...I should of given her strength and not turn my back on her.

If only she knew how much I cared about her, then maybe things would of been different. But she was older, so much older then. At the time only 2 years, but when your 15 that seems like a lifetime. I never thought it was true when she told me she would do anything for me...I never believed her when she said I was her strength. No matter how many times I tell myself it, I will always be guilty to some degree. No matter how many times I try to repent, I will continue to hold myself accountable.

I should have listened to her, but I didn't. I left her all alone, and now I am all alone, destined to be so no matter what manner of crowd I surround myself with. I have had these feelings for so long...and yet I have fought against it for so long. Never told a soul of the anguish I was feeling, and never allowed anyone to see the true face. Not Hannah, not even kale the person who was the closest to me in my life. I haven't told Dan or any of my family...

Four people know, all of them at GB now. Its been so long that I have kept this secret...I want to let it out, but I know it won't help the hurt. I just don't want to lie to anyone anymore, but I have too. I can't be what I feel inside, and I can't bear to have anyone walk away again. That is why I am distancing myself...

For anyone reading this, I apologize. The way I feel now, this incredible emptiness, isn't anything new. It has been years since I have felt whole, since I have felt well, happy. The fake smile and the laugh can only work so well. I don't want to cheat you anymore and I don't know if I can continue to put myself through this charade so here is the truth.

I feel as though I am destined to be alone, alone at least until I can forgive myself and cleanse my soul from the stains that remain. So good bye to those I hold dearest, and before you say anything no I am not killing myself, but no more am I going to wear this mask. I am pulling away from everything I hold dear. It is something I have to do and no one can fix this except for me. I need this time alone to atone and correct my mistakes as best I can. Until I can learn to live with the past, I cannot live in the present.

Lastly I would appreciate it if you would honor this request for solitude for the time being. I am sorry for being the way I am and having to request this, but to be frank the last thing I desire now is to associate with anyone living. As much as I care for you all, even the thought of me living a happy life moving on from the past haunts me. I guess the bottom line is, whether it is against my will or in accordance with it, I cannot forgive myself for being happy and that in and of itself prevents any true happiness from coming to me. Until this issue is resolved I am going to need my space.

Sincerely
~Tom