The flow of time

I never bothered to realize just how much things change in such a short period of time. Just today, about 20 minutes ago for that matter, I browsed through some photos that I was tagged in. Still frames in the sands of time, each with its own story. Yet somehow all these stories are mine, and none of them seem to lead up to the way things are now.

Looking back I see myself surrounded by people. Crowds and friends with me acting as insane as ever. Now I see such images and wonder "What the hell happened?". You know how many of those people I saw each and every day I now keep in touch with? 1. Its so very strange to see a smile on my face as large as it was. Now when I see that I wonder "Was I really happy or just an illusion displayed for the crowds?"

I can honestly not remember things were this last school year past anymore. I remember bits and pieces but it seems like years ago. I look in the mirror and i look older, much older. I see the deep channels and lines forming beneath my eyes and the eye lids hanging over like a storm cloud. Even now when I smile I can see how unsatisfied I am underneath, almost as though I have lost all desire to prolong this conceptual life.

I feel as though half of my life has passed away over the last 4 months, leaving me battered and bruised. The monotinus continuem of everyday life suchs so much life and vigor out of me, that I feel as though the essence of who i was has been devoured. This leaves me hollow and devoid of any enthusiasm or desire of any kind.

Someone said that it was the onset of severe depression, something I have had experience with before. This however, this is different. In some way or somehow I cannot explain is different from what I experienced before. Maybe its old age setting in far before its time, or maybe my lifestyle is just killing away more of my life each day. What ever the cause I am not the same person I once was, and I don't believe there is any going back to that place anymore.

Everyone has their own little world, and I am trapped in mine and it sucks every bit out of me.