Potentially fully involved? How about never invest in a helpless cause

This last night brought a revelation to my attention, some people are just plain silly. Take for example one romantically involved woman I have grown rather attached, or rather close, to these last 8 months give or take a bit. I spent many months trying to win over her heart only to be consistently told "I'm not worth it" "I tend to hurt people I get involved with" and most recently the whole "seeing 8 guys" situation. Very interesting predicament I got myself into this time around eh?

So I day or two in the last week or so once again trying to win over this hopeless cause as was so frequently pointed out. Maybe I wasn't ready to give up, but one thing for sure is I wasn't going to throw in all my chips before seeing what the other hands hold. It has almost turned into a game of cat and mouse. Her being the cat who likes to play with more then one mouse at a time, but never did this cat realize the mouse liked being toyed with and never layed all its cards on the table.

I learned too many times the hard way that you are never to put all your money or time into something that has a doubt of failure. Even more was I told never toss it all into a situation where everyone insist is doomed to fail. So how would it be suprising to find that I still hold the high card and half my fortune?

I guess what I am trying to say is, why would I try to catch a girl who is uncatchable? That is just plain stupid, granted it made a rather enjoyable game at the time, but why would I put all my effort into such an action? There is no reason.

Perhaps she was suprised when she realized that I haven't even been pursueing her as much as she thought. Or perhaps she wasn't. Eitherway what it comes down to is the simple fact that I dance to her song, but there is no way in hell I would show all my moves before then end of the show, and it seems her tune isn't going to last the whole concert.

Once she called me a gentleman, said I was "charming". Dear if only you knew if I were actually willing to put it all on the line. You thought I was relatively good then, but in reality I haven't even shown the true depth of my colors. It brings a slight smile to my face thinking about all the little things I did, and all the things I chose to not use in this game. There is no doubt that if I really wanted, I could hook any fish. Its only a matter of using all your lures until it bites and doesn't let go, but im only playing catch and release with this fishy.

I also just realized I am using way to many analogies...that is slightly annoying. However if halfheartedly I can work my way up to the third seat, imagine what I could of done if a little effort were applied. Perhaps there is more to me then meets the eye, and perhaps there is more to me then even you or myself would like to admit.

Then on the other hand someone calls me a knight in shining armor without knowing me? Now that in itself causes me to chuckle even if it wasn't meant in that sense of the term. I always thing of into the woods when I hear that term, still have no clue why.

The flow of time

I never bothered to realize just how much things change in such a short period of time. Just today, about 20 minutes ago for that matter, I browsed through some photos that I was tagged in. Still frames in the sands of time, each with its own story. Yet somehow all these stories are mine, and none of them seem to lead up to the way things are now.

Looking back I see myself surrounded by people. Crowds and friends with me acting as insane as ever. Now I see such images and wonder "What the hell happened?". You know how many of those people I saw each and every day I now keep in touch with? 1. Its so very strange to see a smile on my face as large as it was. Now when I see that I wonder "Was I really happy or just an illusion displayed for the crowds?"

I can honestly not remember things were this last school year past anymore. I remember bits and pieces but it seems like years ago. I look in the mirror and i look older, much older. I see the deep channels and lines forming beneath my eyes and the eye lids hanging over like a storm cloud. Even now when I smile I can see how unsatisfied I am underneath, almost as though I have lost all desire to prolong this conceptual life.

I feel as though half of my life has passed away over the last 4 months, leaving me battered and bruised. The monotinus continuem of everyday life suchs so much life and vigor out of me, that I feel as though the essence of who i was has been devoured. This leaves me hollow and devoid of any enthusiasm or desire of any kind.

Someone said that it was the onset of severe depression, something I have had experience with before. This however, this is different. In some way or somehow I cannot explain is different from what I experienced before. Maybe its old age setting in far before its time, or maybe my lifestyle is just killing away more of my life each day. What ever the cause I am not the same person I once was, and I don't believe there is any going back to that place anymore.

Everyone has their own little world, and I am trapped in mine and it sucks every bit out of me.

The strangest thing

Many people consider me to be very much on the immature side of the scale. Always laughing and popping jokes, silly facial expressions and all together insanity with a hint of annoyance. So why is it, that since the falling apart of my longest and most serious relationship, I cannot seem to snag the attention of anyone my own age? This is the mystery I so very much desire an answer too.

Thus far the only people who have shown any attraction to me, and all my obnoxiousness along with it, are fine young ladies 20+ years of age. Granted this is not much of an age difference, but I always thought that if I were in fact as immature as some state, that I would be attracting the attention of a younger crowd, namingly highschool students since that is the next lower age catagory that I tend to be associated with.

Truely my mind is bottled by this concept. Perhaps they were mistaken when they claimed me to be as immature as i seem, or rather the ladies whose attention I have gathered are just as immature as me, and I can assure you this is not the case. Is it just what i have to offer? Maybe my enthusiasm and energy are attractive to those of the drinking age. Whatever the reasoning is behind it, I am required to transfer my laundry from the washer to the dryer so...good day

Moving Along

How does one tell their parents that they drive them insane? Perhaps its the anxiety and depression that forbids me of expressing my mind openly to those two figure heads in my life, but its rather annoying. This week I am moving out, when I expressed this fact to the house hold, immediately the string of guilt began plucking away. I wonder if it ever dawned on the old folks that sheltering people only pisses them off when they actually see what is out there? Maybe its the whole religion spin on things yet again where they want me to feel like a horrible being and they can't do so if I wander off into the world...hmmm. Anyway I am awaiting news on job transfer, also I am debating if I want to work third permanently. If I offer to, I may even get full time status if what i hear is correct. Our current third shift cashier is getting sick and tired of the shit she has to put up with, so perhaps a change in order could be of use? Ah well perhaps that will come, I will discuss the matter w/Jessica once I figure out if I really want to be a permy third.

O and its going on about 63 hours of sleeplessness. Soon I may start hallucinating which will be alot of entertainment for those around me I am sure. On that note I am getting out of here before I go more insane due to the rents.

Random Thought

Did you ever wonder why some of the examples of text in blogger are written in Latin? Either that or there is a language that consist of the same exact word and verb formation upon the same root words cast within...strange

Short end of the stick

It seems that day in and day out opportunities to excell pop up. I jump at such opportunities, however someone far prettier jumps in front. It's come to the point where I just don't give a damn about trying to make it up the corporate ladder at my current job location. Each time I try someone else more "qualified" grabs the position at the last minute. Granted im not all that great, im not saying I am. Far from it in fact, but when the person who gets it is a fricken beauty queen who only cares about hitting on guys and can't even do the current job correctly it starts to get a little frustrating. Does being a minority REALLY give THAT much of an advantage? Perhaps...but I have no drive anymore to continue in pursuit of anything, there fore I have deigned myself a slacker, and a ponch nugget as well.

It seems that rather recently hell has come to life, either that or life has gone to hell...either way it isn't a very pleasant experience. If someone doesn't shoot my parents for being the way they are, then perhaps I should hire someone...or maybe not, that wouldn't be a good idea. You know its pretty pathetic when they try every reason/excuse in the book to keep you at their place and then try to make you feel guilty for moving out. "are we really that hard on you?" "Why would you want to leave, we give you everything you could possibly need?" etc.etc.etc. Not really, what I need, and I believe what every sane human being needs, is time away from those who spawned you. Regrettfully yes, someone had to spawn me for Christ's sake. Ah well I had good times and bad times and im sure plenty more where those came from. Right now work is the only thing that keeps me going.

Now you know your life has gotten close to rock bottem when the thing you look forward to most in the week is going to work...now does that make me sound pathetic or what? Then again what else is there to look forward to? Each minute I spend at home im naled with religious shit making me feel like some horrible person who is going to burn in hell because I don't believe exactly what I should. Sorry but I don't think God is some person who just damns people because they don't think in a collective group mind like a bunch of mindless drones just doing what is written on a couple of stone slabs. I just don't think hes that...EVIL. Pardon me if I'm wrong, but wasn't God supose to be all forgiving? Or was I just mistaken and he really is some despot who wants to see people suffer who don't follow the letter of the law to the exact degree of the slant of the writting within which the laws were written.

I mean if some material leader goverened his subjects with the same cruelty that many catholics seem to think God does, he would be shot by his own subjects for beying a tyrant, and I personally do not want to think of God as a tyrant. If you really want to then go ahead, but I always thought of a tyrant as a more...negative term. So needless to say when I see folks pointing fingers at others for being homosexual or what the hell have you, it almost makes me chuckle. First because they look like the biggest hypocrites ever, second because that is the most UNCHRISTIAN thing you can possibly do, third because you are not supose to judge a person and damn them according to your standards, and fourthly most of the homosexual people I know are at least 10 times kinder then any of those sorry bitches. I think maybe I would think better of them if they would clean up their own act before criticizing others? After all I thought you were supose to take the log out of your own eye before trying to take the splinter out of anothers...just a brain food there...

Now a random thought...What would you consider the best thing ever to improve yourself? Call me sadistic or what have ya, but I am going to go on with pain. Now now bear with me a second. When you burn yourself, what do you feel...pain? Ok obviously...pain teaches you to not commit the same action twice...its called LEARNING. You ever hear of that word? If not then you should prolly go back to preschool, maybe it will make you a better person too with all the fun colors and shapes. It might teach you how not to be a hypocrite! Secondly when you fail what do you feel? Well a sense of failure...unless your so unsensative that failure doesnt' even phase you anymore. That sense of failure can do one of two things...either you take it to your head and go kill yourself (might be a better option some people, rid the world, and myself, of your stupidity) thus creating nothing but a negative aura around yourself, or else you feel the pain of failure and choose to use that to push yourself harder and faster to overcome the obsticals in your path.

How many people actually like pain? Not many, there are different types of pain, and strangely I have come to enjoy or savor if you will certain types of pain. Physical pain for beginners reminds me that im mortal. It reminds me that I can't fly because I break a leg and thus hate my life...obviously. But also physical pain can make you stronger. I have had so much physical pain via stupid things I did and in the end i think it bettered me in one way or another. It taught me self dicipline self control and gave me a way to relieve stress in order to move on with life...didn't think cutting would do that for ya eh? Then we have the mental pain or the pain of seperation as I would rather put it. This occures when someone stabs you in the back, and in a sense this can be both the worst, and best kind of pain to deal with. Often times its too much to handle when the people you hold dearest turn their backs on you, which is why the physical pain can dull the mental allowing you to deal with it and move on. However after each of these events, it is my firm belief that it makes you stronger. What better way to improve yourself then to lose everything that you had and try to regain it all only to fail miserable and realize that you are pathetic, always will be pathetic, and shouldn't ever try to be anything but pathetic. but once in a while you will get that pain and it will kill off the little bits and pieces of you that are weak.

Once that cleansing process is over you find yourself a shiny hard new self that can withstand anything they throw at ya. Granted you lost half your personality and arn't afraid to speak your mind anymore, but there comes a point of time where you just gotta say what you gotta say and it helps to be a little emotionally dead to deal with it. Secondly after that process is done you feel much more at ease dealing back revenge on those who killed you to begin with. And eye for a eye they say, but it makes it much easier to deal out that eye to someone you once loved when you learn to look at them as nothing more then hunks of flesh walking around with a bad personality. They turn into things you can actually hate, something else to channel all that excess energy into, can clear your mind. I guess what im saying through out all this is if you can't deal with pain then just go shoot yourself and be done with it because you are only a weakling that is taxing society and deserve to die for being as pathetic as you are. If you willing to accept the pain that comes your way in hopes of bettering yourself then good im happy for you. But for all those pathetic drama queens out there who cry when you break a nail because you arn't perfect anymore and talk about killing your self just to get attention when your boy friend leaves you, get a life, grow up because if you stay like that you are only going to produce offspring just as lame and stupid as youreself. Get what im saying? I hope so

Now im not really saying go do yourself a favor and jump off a bridge, only rethink the way you do things. Don't complain when you have discomfort and pain in your life, because without it you would always be pathetic. Pain makes people stronger, its a simple fact. Pain makes people wiser, that too is a simple fact. Without pain everyone would be no better then animals with no ability to adjust to change. Once you learn to embrace emotional and physical pain, the better off you will be. Maybe then you will stop pissing off people like me with your pathetic complaints and annoying squeeky voices. If you can't deal with that then fuck you...stay the lame ass drama queen you are and try to get sympothy where you can, but honey you ain't getting any of mine.