I need a drink

Its been a long month. 2 people I know just killed themselves last week and now someone I started to get attached to is leaving and dan is leaving next week. I need something strong to drink...really strong

disconnected...and almost dispassionate...

today I found out someone took his own life. Today I realized I recognized the guy. Today I realized I talked to him once or maybe twice. Today I realized emotions are harder for me to feel then they should be. Today I feel horrible for not feeling horrible

boyz night out motha fucka

Last night was very interesting. Twas the guys night out at Joe's run down farm house. I found out that drinking large quantities of beer in a very little period of time can be...well lets just say I wasn't going anywhere.

After the first 5 beers in 20 minutes came the shots...that was entertaining. And then WAM! There was no more beer! the 30 pack was gone, and the kesslers was about to be gone. Off it was to get some more! O NO!!! We missed the gas station by 3 minutes!! AAHHH!!!! Lets go collect from friends and family!!! So me and mr alex drive around for a while...well him doing the driving...I was just here for company and pick up beer and wine coolers from random people he knows as well as half a bottle of kesslers. And we started all over.

I would guess around 2 or so I passed out. Somehow I ended up in the restroom...not sure how...not sure if i want to know how. Ah well I stumbled my way back to the couch...I have no clue what time it is now. All i know is I was out cold for a while and I had to get comfortable.

Then it was into work! It seemed to me that the booze hadn't all worn off...twas a bit disoriented yet and i never really got a headache which was strange. Needless to say my stomach wasn't agreeing with me on anything until now.

AMAZING I LOVE LIFE CEREAL!!! WOOT! Ok I feel like a little kid writing this post but...ah I really couldn't care less.

Finally its clear...

Finally I understand how she felt 5 years ago...and its so god damned hard not to do the same thing. Now its all clear...and I realize that the only way I could have helped was to be there holding her hand as she left. At least I find a little comfort in that, but right now comfort isn't something I am looking for.

The "a" solution

I escaped from my folks to find a better life with what I thought would be less stress then anything associating with the old man and his wife. Unfortunately it isn't quite as happy go lucky as I would have hoped. Granted day to day activities are much easier and the overall stress level has decreased a bit more, it sees more shit keeps happening as time progresses causing rather, frustrating effects.

In the last month I have been stood up three times, all of them different young ladies. Not to mention the times when the guys failed to pull thru on their promises. It is only a slight bit frustrating when you encounter a solution to your problems and plan to enjoy the evening and then, get stood up leaving you with just yourself wondering "where the fuck did I go wrong THIS time?" running through your head. Am I seriously that undesirable that the female population refuses to be seen in public with me? Ah well I supose it doesn't matter much anyway.

I mean when such evenings as this I can always return to the apartment and chill with the sister for a bit. Crack open a few cold ones and let it all slip away and just forget it ever happened. That is until she moves to washington anyway. Within 2 months she will be moving off, already has a job out there at target, just a transfer. That leaves both of my family members that I could go to and have a good time with in seperate parts of the country. Its only so very tempting to follow suite and head out myself.

At the moment it seems like I could leave this all behind. I am not attached to anything in this state anymore, everyone I was either moved away or is attending school elsewhere and will be moving away. Either that or, well they arn't around anymore. If only I could be granted a steady job else where, I would pounce on the opportunity in a heartbeat. Just the thought of starting over completely is so...appealing.

Until then I stick with the alcohol solution. Pop open a 6 pack and a carton of paul mauls and the evening goes by so much smoother. Granted it is only a distraction from the reality I am stuck in, but at least a dream is better then living a nightmare. If only I could sleep perhaps that would be my escape from reality, but sleep doesnt' come real easy these days, not that it ever really has.

This isn't one of those "O I want attention" kind of gigs. I honestly want escape from this life I'm living. I'm not talking all suicidal crazy freak type of shit, but rather the chance to leave this area and everything behind. Everyone I met at school the last year means almost nothing to me now. I have worked so hard at eliminating any emotional bonding with them that I could just walk away and feel hardly any regret if not none at all.

Well set backs are set backs no matter how you look at them. One day I will get outta here, after all there really is no reason for me to stay anywhere near green bay

tick...tock...tick...tock

The ticking of clocks can be enough to drive a person over the edge. Pushing them further and further until they are beyond the point of no return, left to drift off into the deep, black oblivion
of insanity. It come to the point where seconds seem like hours and hours seem like, well you get the idea.

This is the state of mind I have been stuck in for months. I feel as though I am going no where, or more that I am incapable of moving anywhere in life. Frozen at a standstill where all I try to do falls short and I am again left holding the short end of the stick. I am growing more weary as each day passes.

Looking in the mirror I can see the eyes are more sunken then they used to be. I feel weak and tired, almost like I am carrying the weight of the world. Its time to give in to the temptation to no longer care. To be so carefree and lite would be something I can only dream of now.

I continue to get stepped on as time progresses. Each ticking second is like another foot print driven upon my body, pushing it further and further to choas.

ah...my eyes are heavy...good night