A new day, A new life

Once I used to blog pages a day, those times are gone. Now, consumed by work and studies, blogging has all but left my life. Now as the late nights once again grip the harness of my heart, they drive me to produce my inner thoughts and feelings on a cold computer screen in hopes of finding refuge in my own memories and securities.

Tonight I am looking for this refuge. I feel alone and cold, even though I have found many in my life who are closer to me then anyone has ever been. People who are willing to stand there and hold me high if I stumble and fall. Yet, its not the same...nothing is. The years gone by cant be taken back, and all I can do is hold onto them.

It is said the truth will set you free, but what if you don't want to be free? What if even though you were a prisoner of your own desire, you wish to remain there? At least it was warm and comforting...not this cold. I'm only clinging to the warmth of that memory...and its diminishing as time continues.

Why do I have to be the way I am? All I want is to be free of myself, free of all this that holds me back...or do I? I don't understand my very thoughts, my desires, my passions...I don't understand what makes me think the way I do what makes me life the way I do, be who I am. I used to have such strong passion in my life...it has all but died out. All desire to live has long been extinguished...

I used to have a reason for living...now I am only lost and the dark. I continue searching for an answer to my problems, someone to bring me about and back to life how it should be. All desire to push on left when they did.

Is it that I cannot forgive myself? It was so many years ago and still...Am I angry for moving on? Is this why I cling to the past? Is it because I was safer? because I had someone there for me who I knew I could depend on? So many left, even more changed...I am like a loose dog...free to run, but desiring only a warm bed and a safe haven. and as much as they try, no one can give that to me. It's because of who I am that no one can help.

So many years ago...no one knows...no one knew. Why do the good suffer and the bad live on? One mistake can be so tragic and yet I go on to make more. I'm sure she would of forgiven me by now, but I can't forgive myself. She wouldn't want this...not anymore then I would want her to go through what I have. No one understands just how I feel...no one can help because of who I am.

That was so long ago. God I was still in high school...before then actually and then as a freshman it happened. Now I am long out of there and in college. The walls I created around myself held well until Leah tore them down. No one got closer then she has, and I feel I have to push her away...I feel I need to be alone I can't explain it and I can't figure it out. I only know that I feel immensely sad every day that passes, and she can't know.

She knows about her...and about what happened. She knows that I have troubles with it yet, but to make Leah happy I have to keep up the act. I can't let it falter, yet if I keep it up I feel like I am lying. Am I destined to be eternally single, even when I have someone in my life? Is this my penance for my sins? I never meant for her to give up...I should of given her strength and not turn my back on her.

If only she knew how much I cared about her, then maybe things would of been different. But she was older, so much older then. At the time only 2 years, but when your 15 that seems like a lifetime. I never thought it was true when she told me she would do anything for me...I never believed her when she said I was her strength. No matter how many times I tell myself it, I will always be guilty to some degree. No matter how many times I try to repent, I will continue to hold myself accountable.

I should have listened to her, but I didn't. I left her all alone, and now I am all alone, destined to be so no matter what manner of crowd I surround myself with. I have had these feelings for so long...and yet I have fought against it for so long. Never told a soul of the anguish I was feeling, and never allowed anyone to see the true face. Not Hannah, not even kale the person who was the closest to me in my life. I haven't told Dan or any of my family...

Four people know, all of them at GB now. Its been so long that I have kept this secret...I want to let it out, but I know it won't help the hurt. I just don't want to lie to anyone anymore, but I have too. I can't be what I feel inside, and I can't bear to have anyone walk away again. That is why I am distancing myself...

For anyone reading this, I apologize. The way I feel now, this incredible emptiness, isn't anything new. It has been years since I have felt whole, since I have felt well, happy. The fake smile and the laugh can only work so well. I don't want to cheat you anymore and I don't know if I can continue to put myself through this charade so here is the truth.

I feel as though I am destined to be alone, alone at least until I can forgive myself and cleanse my soul from the stains that remain. So good bye to those I hold dearest, and before you say anything no I am not killing myself, but no more am I going to wear this mask. I am pulling away from everything I hold dear. It is something I have to do and no one can fix this except for me. I need this time alone to atone and correct my mistakes as best I can. Until I can learn to live with the past, I cannot live in the present.

Lastly I would appreciate it if you would honor this request for solitude for the time being. I am sorry for being the way I am and having to request this, but to be frank the last thing I desire now is to associate with anyone living. As much as I care for you all, even the thought of me living a happy life moving on from the past haunts me. I guess the bottom line is, whether it is against my will or in accordance with it, I cannot forgive myself for being happy and that in and of itself prevents any true happiness from coming to me. Until this issue is resolved I am going to need my space.

Sincerely
~Tom