Change happens, or is it only the contineous cycle?

Times seem to change for the better, or the worse. Either way it all ends up in one place or another. In my particular instance, I drive in a complete circle, ending up right where I began to starrt all over again.

My never ending battles I have been fighting seem to have been one, only the victory doesn't get me very far. Soon the war catches up once again and I find myself struggling to attain anything beyond the battle itself.

Flately put, I fell once again into the slums. Its been this way for a couple weeks now, and I find myself sinking further yet. The problem is, how do I deal with it? I get one foe out of the way and another pops up and I find myself back to square one again.

I did realize that there are certain triggers that bring about these internal battles. First, failure. I failed before and it cost me someone very dear to me, and every time I fall short, its almost as though I am reliving my past mistakes again. Every human makes mistakes, but the problem when you have depression is no matter who tells you what, or what angle you look at the problem, you can't change how you feel. Every action you do when you are in the downer phase has no effect on your emotional state or your mental train of thought.

Its strange when you can only think negatively and it makes you more upset and everyone around you responds with the same old "just think happy thoughts." or "hang around happy people" or "just stop feeling sorry for yourself". No matter the responce or advice given, nothing will ever change. You can try as hard as you want, but the way you feel will never change. Its like telling a slave to just think about being free and he will be. Things don't work that way. You can't ask a dieing man to think he is healthy and bam! hes a healthy person again. A smoker can't hang out with none smokers and have no cravings just because the people around him don't. I have tried so hard to beat this, and time and again I get beaten down. I'm losing strength to carry on through this day in and day out. Not a single action I do can get the weight off my mind or the sadness that continuesly tugs at my mind. I can honestly say I haven't been happy in years. What does happiness feel like? Is it excitement mixed with the feeling of not having a care in the world? The only time I have no cares in the world is when im drunk out of my mind. Then again sometimes drinking brings out the worst, as Alex I am sure knows.

And now I fall back to my original battle plan. Work myself to death and hope the worry and distress drains away because that is the only way I am going to feel anything else. I'm tired, so very tired of fighting this and I want to see the end of this battle. Unfortunately for me, I don't have the strength to fight it much longer without it affecting people around me. I need an escape and I think I just might need something I disregarded and abandoned a long time ago, someone who actually knows me, a true friend.

If anyone reads this know that the chances are I trust you obviously to read this, but I think you would agree that we arn't exactly what you would call close. I am not saying you are not a friend of mine, its just I haven't let anyone close enough to know me like Carissa did. She was the last true friend I had, and I don't know how I am going to make it through life without someone like her who understands me better then I do myself.

quite possibly hopeless

It's been a while since I jotted anything down online, so lets begin this whole process once again. I began working 2 third shifts a week for a few reasons, mainly being hours and I need a bigger pay check. However I can already feel it taking a toll on me mentally and physically. It is exhausting having to work the third shift and then switch over to first in the same week. Its even harder going from third to first and then BACK to third. Needless to say my schedual is a little messed up.

However I believe it to be worth it. With the added hours I can see my pay check increase and that is always a good pay off. Then comes the matter of having no social life whatsoever due to this schedual. I don't have time to go out and meet new people or strengthen the relationships I already have. When I am not at work I am trying to sleep to adjust in order to take on the next day.

Call me a little stupid, or alot, but because of this I am feeling very...solitary??? When only work and sleep exist in my life, I feel rather hollow and remote. I even opened an account on some online dating site in hopes of finding something entertaining in the process late at night. Thus far nothing very entertaining, besides who would ever go out with or get to know some guy they would never see because hes always either in bed or at work unless its 4 in the morning?

Living with my sister has helped out alot with my depression and anxiety however. I am very greatful I had this opportunity but now she is moving out to Washington state soon and I have no clue what I am going to do. I can't afford to move out on my own, and I don't know if mentally I can handle going back to the folks. I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place which...sucks to say the least? Well I must now get going, the folks are expecting me to meet them for lunch. Hey food is always good right?

I need a drink

Its been a long month. 2 people I know just killed themselves last week and now someone I started to get attached to is leaving and dan is leaving next week. I need something strong to drink...really strong

disconnected...and almost dispassionate...

today I found out someone took his own life. Today I realized I recognized the guy. Today I realized I talked to him once or maybe twice. Today I realized emotions are harder for me to feel then they should be. Today I feel horrible for not feeling horrible

boyz night out motha fucka

Last night was very interesting. Twas the guys night out at Joe's run down farm house. I found out that drinking large quantities of beer in a very little period of time can be...well lets just say I wasn't going anywhere.

After the first 5 beers in 20 minutes came the shots...that was entertaining. And then WAM! There was no more beer! the 30 pack was gone, and the kesslers was about to be gone. Off it was to get some more! O NO!!! We missed the gas station by 3 minutes!! AAHHH!!!! Lets go collect from friends and family!!! So me and mr alex drive around for a while...well him doing the driving...I was just here for company and pick up beer and wine coolers from random people he knows as well as half a bottle of kesslers. And we started all over.

I would guess around 2 or so I passed out. Somehow I ended up in the restroom...not sure how...not sure if i want to know how. Ah well I stumbled my way back to the couch...I have no clue what time it is now. All i know is I was out cold for a while and I had to get comfortable.

Then it was into work! It seemed to me that the booze hadn't all worn off...twas a bit disoriented yet and i never really got a headache which was strange. Needless to say my stomach wasn't agreeing with me on anything until now.

AMAZING I LOVE LIFE CEREAL!!! WOOT! Ok I feel like a little kid writing this post but...ah I really couldn't care less.

Finally its clear...

Finally I understand how she felt 5 years ago...and its so god damned hard not to do the same thing. Now its all clear...and I realize that the only way I could have helped was to be there holding her hand as she left. At least I find a little comfort in that, but right now comfort isn't something I am looking for.

The "a" solution

I escaped from my folks to find a better life with what I thought would be less stress then anything associating with the old man and his wife. Unfortunately it isn't quite as happy go lucky as I would have hoped. Granted day to day activities are much easier and the overall stress level has decreased a bit more, it sees more shit keeps happening as time progresses causing rather, frustrating effects.

In the last month I have been stood up three times, all of them different young ladies. Not to mention the times when the guys failed to pull thru on their promises. It is only a slight bit frustrating when you encounter a solution to your problems and plan to enjoy the evening and then, get stood up leaving you with just yourself wondering "where the fuck did I go wrong THIS time?" running through your head. Am I seriously that undesirable that the female population refuses to be seen in public with me? Ah well I supose it doesn't matter much anyway.

I mean when such evenings as this I can always return to the apartment and chill with the sister for a bit. Crack open a few cold ones and let it all slip away and just forget it ever happened. That is until she moves to washington anyway. Within 2 months she will be moving off, already has a job out there at target, just a transfer. That leaves both of my family members that I could go to and have a good time with in seperate parts of the country. Its only so very tempting to follow suite and head out myself.

At the moment it seems like I could leave this all behind. I am not attached to anything in this state anymore, everyone I was either moved away or is attending school elsewhere and will be moving away. Either that or, well they arn't around anymore. If only I could be granted a steady job else where, I would pounce on the opportunity in a heartbeat. Just the thought of starting over completely is so...appealing.

Until then I stick with the alcohol solution. Pop open a 6 pack and a carton of paul mauls and the evening goes by so much smoother. Granted it is only a distraction from the reality I am stuck in, but at least a dream is better then living a nightmare. If only I could sleep perhaps that would be my escape from reality, but sleep doesnt' come real easy these days, not that it ever really has.

This isn't one of those "O I want attention" kind of gigs. I honestly want escape from this life I'm living. I'm not talking all suicidal crazy freak type of shit, but rather the chance to leave this area and everything behind. Everyone I met at school the last year means almost nothing to me now. I have worked so hard at eliminating any emotional bonding with them that I could just walk away and feel hardly any regret if not none at all.

Well set backs are set backs no matter how you look at them. One day I will get outta here, after all there really is no reason for me to stay anywhere near green bay