Change happens, or is it only the contineous cycle?

Times seem to change for the better, or the worse. Either way it all ends up in one place or another. In my particular instance, I drive in a complete circle, ending up right where I began to starrt all over again.

My never ending battles I have been fighting seem to have been one, only the victory doesn't get me very far. Soon the war catches up once again and I find myself struggling to attain anything beyond the battle itself.

Flately put, I fell once again into the slums. Its been this way for a couple weeks now, and I find myself sinking further yet. The problem is, how do I deal with it? I get one foe out of the way and another pops up and I find myself back to square one again.

I did realize that there are certain triggers that bring about these internal battles. First, failure. I failed before and it cost me someone very dear to me, and every time I fall short, its almost as though I am reliving my past mistakes again. Every human makes mistakes, but the problem when you have depression is no matter who tells you what, or what angle you look at the problem, you can't change how you feel. Every action you do when you are in the downer phase has no effect on your emotional state or your mental train of thought.

Its strange when you can only think negatively and it makes you more upset and everyone around you responds with the same old "just think happy thoughts." or "hang around happy people" or "just stop feeling sorry for yourself". No matter the responce or advice given, nothing will ever change. You can try as hard as you want, but the way you feel will never change. Its like telling a slave to just think about being free and he will be. Things don't work that way. You can't ask a dieing man to think he is healthy and bam! hes a healthy person again. A smoker can't hang out with none smokers and have no cravings just because the people around him don't. I have tried so hard to beat this, and time and again I get beaten down. I'm losing strength to carry on through this day in and day out. Not a single action I do can get the weight off my mind or the sadness that continuesly tugs at my mind. I can honestly say I haven't been happy in years. What does happiness feel like? Is it excitement mixed with the feeling of not having a care in the world? The only time I have no cares in the world is when im drunk out of my mind. Then again sometimes drinking brings out the worst, as Alex I am sure knows.

And now I fall back to my original battle plan. Work myself to death and hope the worry and distress drains away because that is the only way I am going to feel anything else. I'm tired, so very tired of fighting this and I want to see the end of this battle. Unfortunately for me, I don't have the strength to fight it much longer without it affecting people around me. I need an escape and I think I just might need something I disregarded and abandoned a long time ago, someone who actually knows me, a true friend.

If anyone reads this know that the chances are I trust you obviously to read this, but I think you would agree that we arn't exactly what you would call close. I am not saying you are not a friend of mine, its just I haven't let anyone close enough to know me like Carissa did. She was the last true friend I had, and I don't know how I am going to make it through life without someone like her who understands me better then I do myself.